After The Fall

The antidote to negativity is not positivity; it’s warmth. But how am I supposed to give myself warmth?

The last three weeks were harsh. I hardly slept, couldn’t go out, ate almost nothing. it feels like my body is fighting against everything I try to do.
The anxiety attacks get worse every day, the worst ones come in the evening or at night. I’m supposed to keep up a positive mindset, to tell myself that I’m okay, that I’m not sick and won’t have to throw up or anything that I’m scared of. But it’s easier said than done when your body and brain constantly find new ways scare you.
Once I started coping with the nausea I was experiencing it got worse, much worse. It is now a constant company, day and night, all the time and with it the vertigo I was already trying to fight worsened as well.
On top of that I constantly have stomach aches for no apparent reason.

Since I can be honest here, I just want to say that I’m starting to feel like I won’t get better. Everything is just getting worse, I can’t do the things I want or need to do and I just…I don’t know.
I tried looking into what other people do in situations like these but they all have the same coping methods;

If you feel like you can’t do it alone, talk to a friend about it. 

And what if there are no friends?
What about people who don’t have a social circle, a group of people they can talk to? What about the people who can’t turn to anyone because they know they won’t be heard or taken seriously?

What about people who are completely alone with what they’re experiencing?

I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time now because…well, I’m kind of one of those people right now? Everyone I knew has already moved on, even the person I would’ve called my “best friend” a mere four years ago has now drifted away, so far that I don’t think we’ll talk for that much longer.
I’m happy for them, of course, because they get to live their lives the way they want to. They get to experience new things, travel and learn. And, of course, that means leaving the old you behind.
And it seems like that includes me as well, every time.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I’ll have another doctor’s appointment soon, followed by a therapy session. I’m just existing from one Friday to the other because this, right now, is not what I would call living.

I don’t want this anymore.

20181202 - lunaluna