I’m starting to realize why so many people wait for the New Year to start with their revamped lifestyles. Because what January 1st is for them is Sunday morning to me. Let me start by revisiting the events of last week though.
On Monday everything was, well, not good but quite alright. I went to my lessons as usual in the evening but when I came back…to say I was nauseous would be an understatement. And of course, it concerning my body AND my brain, it kept me up the entirety of the night. I hardly get any sleep as is but that night hit me a little too hard I suppose.
On top of that my body has been trying to destroy itself (at least that’s what it feels like) for the past few months so waking up on Tuesday was nothing short of a “please let me die in my sleep”-moment.
Over the course of the day I decided to take it slow, spending my time in the living room with my dog and my mom who joined from time to time. And everything was good, I managed to eat a little bit of dinner, we watched Naruto (that’s how you know my mom’s worried if she doesn’t complain) and Detective Conan like usual when I suddenly noticed something wasn’t okay.
My head felt like it was going to split open. It wasn’t a piercing pain, more like a pressure which started out soft at first but as the minutes passed on it got more and more.
And I freaked the fuck out.
I was crying and shaking, my dog was crying in a corner, my mom was so worried, our whole house was filled with nothing but panic of the unknown; it was a whole mess. So we called an ambulance which took me to the ER (blessed be our country and it’s laws for health care, really).
It turned out to be nothing life-threatening and I was sent home after being examined, however the whole ordeal left me useless for the rest of the week. I clawed myself from appointment to appointment, only breaking down further because it felt like nobody was actually trying to help me. My GP has probably given up on me by now and I can’t really blame her to be honest.
TL;DR: last week left me without energy, feeling like something is wrong, feeling even more lonely than before. However, I know that I need to get back on track. I let myself lose sight of my goals and that happens sometimes, of course, it’s completely normal. But now I have to pick everything up again.
I still feel like I did when I wrote my last post, it probably won’t really go away until there’s full clarity on some things that bug my head constantly. However, I’m in a better headspace now and feel like I can cope with the loneliness and, today, for that I am grateful.
I’m thinking about posting a little more as well. I don’t just want posts about me complaining how shit my situation is because that won’t change anything anyway. Plus, I feel like just having this blog to post to makes me feel a little better.
So, here’s to a brand new week with brand new chances!
20181210 - lunaluna
Diary of A Journey 